Breaking the taboo: Why you need to talk money with your partner
Few topics are off limits these days. And yet the taboo against talking about money seems to be alive and thriving in many relationships.
Although some might view the money taboo as more a matter of privacy (or good manners), the reality is that most couples can’t afford to not talk about money—especially because there’s so much to gain by opening up.
Key Points
- People agree that money is a taboo topic, but no one seems to know why.
- Most couples say they communicate about money well, but the same surveys indicate deep gaps in their alignment about money issues.
- Opening up about finances—and even mingling accounts and assets—helps strengthen ties with your partner.
What couples do and don’t talk about financially
Whatever the reasons, the research clearly indicates that many couples are not in sync when it comes to their finances. Some may not be aware of the communication gap. Most couples (71%) say they communicate very well about money, according to a “2021 Couples & Money Study” by Fidelity Investments. And 25% claim to communicate exceptionally well about their finances.
And yet, in the same survey:
- 44% said they argue about money at least occasionally.
- 48% disagree about the age when they’d like to retire.
- 51% disagree about how much money they need to retire.
- Nearly 40% don’t know how much their partner earns.
This echoes similar findings from other studies, like a 2022 OnePoll survey on behalf of Questis, which found that over half of people (56%) still think talking about money is taboo (although, interestingly, 81% didn’t know where the taboo came from). And people were split almost 50/50 about whether they were likely to talk about money with their spouse or partner.
Why talking about money matters
There are plenty of factors that can influence whether you and your partner talk about money, including:
- Your age
- Your income bracket
- What you grew up believing was normal or polite
If you grew up in a culture that overall was open about finances—or not—that plays a role, too.
Now multiply all those issues by two. When one spouse or partner has one set of experiences or beliefs, and the other partner doesn’t share them, that can create conflict, avoidance, embarrassment, or secrecy. None of which are good for your money or your marriage.
Not knowing basics like your partner’s salary, or their views on retirement, can hamstring your long-term financial plan. If one or both partners aren’t sharing their financial habits, fears, hopes, and goals, it’s going to be difficult for a couple to plan effectively, address life’s inevitable hurdles, and make progress together.
Good news about couples and money
Fortunately, there are some bright spots that indicate the money taboo could be crumbling, as people realize both the need for better communication and the benefits of being more open with each other. For example, although a third of couples felt that the pandemic added to their financial stress, according to the Couples & Money survey, about a third also admitted the pandemic had helped them to be more open about day-to-day money matters, as well as planning ahead.
A stronger financial connection is no doubt good for your finances, and it may also help your relationship. A 2022 study of couples who pool all their money together—meaning they don’t keep separate accounts—found these couples reported greater satisfaction in their relationships and were less likely to break up. Although the researchers didn’t examine couples’ financial communication styles, the merging of money requires a certain level of honesty and trust that may be beneficial emotionally and economically.
The bottom line
Is there still an actual taboo about discussing money, and does it creep into some people’s relationships? Even in our supposedly modern tell-all era, it does seem that many couples aren’t always candid about their finances. But there are also signs that old norms and expectations are being challenged—in a good way. After all, the more honest you can be about your goals and your problems with your partner, the easier it will be to come up with solutions that help you both move toward your dreams.